Gentlemen. There comes a time in every man's life when he must make a list of qualities that a woman must possess in order to satisfy his needs. Since I am not a neckbeard, I have not created such a list. However, I have discovered someone who has.
This is the ultimate work in progress. I'm not even going to try to complete it in one shot; I'm just going to jot down ideas as they come to me.
- She must be thin. Not a BBW fan at all; there needs to be a maximum of one large person in a bed and I've got that covered.
- It'd help if she was rather flexible to further assist in getting around my poor physical shape.
- She should not be too lazy, or else neither of us will get anything done, but she also should not be so energetic that I get tired just looking at her. A broad range of activity-level preferences is best.
- She should be as low-maintenance as possible; I have enough problems of my own.
- She should not be insecure, especially not about my devotion to her. I am not going to stop looking at porn because she's neurotic about me comparing her to professional seductresses; she should accept that being in the room makes her more than sufficiently valuable to me, and tolerate if not share in my love for all the worldly and otherworldly permutations of feminine beauty.
- She should be accepting, if not embracing, of polyamory. I never want to have to turn down a good sexual experience with some attractive stranger or occasional acquaintance because my main squeeze has been raised on bullshit notions of fidelity and possessiveness. People don't belong to each other, they appreciate each other's company, and I won't appreciate yours if you try to stop me from appreciating that of others. She has a right to expect that she should be at or near the top of my interest list, not to limit that list to a single entry.
- She must be very open to sex - I'd prefer an unabashed "ethical slut", but failing that, at least she should be fairly affectionate, at home in her own skin, and not oversensitive about accidental line-crossing. I'm not prone to taking liberties unless encouraged, so I need someone who'll encourage me, and someone who can be gentle in calling a halt to it if I start to go too far.
- She must not be looking for financial support from me; I lack financial ambition and have expensive hobbies, so the occasional moderately nice dinner is about the most you can hope for from me.
- She should not hope for too much in the way of emotional support either. Sometimes I'm a bit of a robot, other times I'm fully in the grip of my own feelings, but either way I'm too self-involved to pick up on the kinds of subtle clues a lot of women think they have a right to send, and then get pissed at their not-a-mind-reader buy for failing to interpret these coded messages.
- She must be tolerant of, and ideally helpful with, the fact that I am living with manic-depression and probably other conditions. There will be times when I'll be fairly useless for days at a time, and other times when I'll be gung-ho for five projects I'll never be able to complete; she must be able to deal with this.
- She should preferably have extremely soft, smooth skin and be amenable to my touching her frequently. Bluntly, I bore easily, and even the most beautiful woman only holds my eye until something else catches it; to keep my interest indefinitely, an experience must be more or less addictive, and I have touched women whose skin was so divinely silky and yielding that I could spend hours happily absorbed in it. A woman not so blessed will have a much more difificult time keeping me focused on her.
- She must be biologically female and should not use the word "cisgendered" with any regularity.
- She must not want to have children with me. She should be prepared for me to be suspicious of her in the early relationship, as I have heard horror stories about women intentionally getting themselves pregnant so as to trap a desireable man into either marrying them or paying them child support. Whether I'm a desirable man is debatable at best, but either way, expect to be watched for this until I'm sure I can trust you.
- She should not smoke, at all, and not have smoked for at least half a year or so, else the smell of it will still linger on her and I can't abide a woman who smells unpleasant. She must not use illegal drugs in my preference, preferably not at all, and should avoid describing any use that has occurred in my presence.
- She must not expect me to help with raising any children she currently has; I'd prefer she had none, failing that I'd prefer they be fairly grown-up and able to take care of themselves so she can spare more time to be with me, and failing even that, the most impact they should ever have on my life is "I'm sorry honey, I'm busy with the kids and can't make it tonight". I will not do even the slightest parenting favor for you, and it's probably better for your kids' mental health if they never meet me at all, considering what an attitude I have toward them.
- It'd be nice if she was bisexual, or at least open-minded on the subject. FMF threesomes would be totally awesome. However the odds of my reciprocating with an MFM are worse than those of there being a domed city on the moon by 2012. Nobody ever said I was fair-minded.
- If she is rich, she must be generous; it would probably be better if she wasn't rich though, since I have a severe bias against those I see as contributing to society's unjust plutocracy. Conversely, if she's poor, I will try to be generous to her, but I'm far from wealthy so gold diggers need not apply; about all I can manage is a nice meal now and again.
- She should be willing NOT to touch me except in ways I've pointed out are okay; a few mistakes in the early stages are not a big deal, but I have a lot of weird sore spots and I'll get annoyed if she keeps hitting them even after being warned of their presence. Might be better to err on the side of caution; I never mind being asked if she can touch me.
- For that matter, she'll get more points from me by making offers of any kind, as long as she respects my answer. I love being serviced and catered to.
- It's worth a generous number of bonus points if she's a skilled masseuse. I also love giving massages, although I have no formal training and can't promise to be entirely devoid of clumsiness.
- She must appreciate my uniqueness, enough to consider the opportunity to be with me most of the compensation she requires in exchange for all that I ask. If you don't think I'm a star whose light is worth basking in, I won't blame you, but I really don't have much else to offer other than being my weird and wonderful self.
- She should preferably be enthusiastic in displaying her desire for me; I want to be seduced, lured into doing everything I've always wanted to but never dared. So I need a lot of positive reinforcement that what I'm wanting to do really is okay with her, that in fact I would hurt her more by NOT doing it.
- Ideally, she should have no wishes or priorities other than to have the opportunity to make me happy; this does not mean she need not have a mind of her own, but rather simply that she makes no demands on behalf of her own wishes, in essence having no ego and being completely altruistic. This is due to the fact that if she demands anything of me, it is in my mental nature to become increasingly hung up on paranoid, self-doubting questions of whether I am giving her what she wants, increasingly leading me to an irrational terror that she will leave me out of dissatisfaction (I have already had one relationship play out in this fashion and it seems to have made me a trifle gun-shy). Therefore, if I am to be entirely content with me, I must be convinced that her highest aspiration is only to be personally responsible for my total contentment.
he sounds like a keeper.